♥ Le Femme

The girl: Farah Diyana.
The nick: Far.
The birthday: 01.09.
The school: Science College.

♥ Shoutout

♥ Wishlist

Canon 400D body♥
Acrylic stamps
Nike Free 7.0
Nintendo WII
Anya Hindmarch's 'I Am Not A Plastic Bag'!

♥ Bloggers

Bokh Cody Eric
Cheah Wen
Eezah
Ian
Nisah
Sils
Sir Bio
Ucing Itam
Wana
Ziqah

♥ Random

♥ History

date: March 2007
date: April 2007
date: May 2007
date: June 2007
date: July 2007
date: August 2007

♥ Credits

Designer: Elfie/Chron
Background: tumb @ deviantART, Adobe Photoshop 7.0
Hosting: ImageShack, Blogger

♥ Friday, August 3, 2007

desire keeps me going on, fuels my everyday. i can't wait, i can barely wait. these nightmares that haunt me shall soon diminish as the day arrives. the little patience i once had now slowly grows. the fear that pulls me down, i now battle with all might. victory will set again one day and when that day comes, that'll be the day i smile in pride. till then, absence i choose... to prepare myself for the moment i've been waiting for.

desire.

♥ Monday, July 30, 2007

Physics Quarantine part 1


Physics Quarantine part 2

♥ Sunday, July 29, 2007

♥ Thursday, July 26, 2007

My scars aren't showing any progressive healing instead, it got worse. This morning I woke up with a horrible itch on them and the scar marks were red. Now, there's red spots all scattered along the scar lines. SIGH.

I have a really bad craving for doughnuts and that pancake like thingy with kaya/redbean/peanut butter filling they used to sell in Tionghin and Huaho =/ . Dad's coming home on Saturday, which makes it thirteen days instead of eleven. I hope he comes back with a Canon400 and blueberry/strawberry/chocolate filled donuts which I highly requested. Cravings drive me crazy.

Practical exams start next week and I haven't studied a bit yet. Santi's been a bit weird and unusual recently, perhaps the cold she's having or perhaps the exam-ghost has somehow possessed her body. Either one, she freaks me out. Lol.

NEED.HELP.CURE.SCARS.

♥ Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I just had to blog about this. This is hilariously crazy. RAB MISSES MR.YEO. weird shit.

I undeniably miss Miss Ivy. Chemistry sucks without her x(

Love.

♥

I had fun in school today. Three free periods which I spent in the library doing Biology homework and chatting with Ema and Santi. PE was GREAT :D . We had 'opening ceremony' for the MA 5 ONS Netball League. Photo taking followed by cheer and mascot introduction and then the competition started. GINIS won for the first match against Da' Cocoa and RAD RASCALS won 2-0 against Neptune Warriors. Me team fantabulous! :D

♥ Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It has been a habit for me to duck out of classes when it gets too hectic or boring. Yesterday wasn't any different. I went home just after third period and spent the day lying on my bedroom floor watching tv and taking siestas in between. It was already seven and I hadn't showered yet, just as I went in the bathroom… *buzzzzz* a blackout! My hair was greasy and I was still in uniform. "Katiiiiii!" I screamed from afar. Like roadrunner, I sped off to my trusted torchlight and started lighting candles. RIBUT. I had the company of Paris Hilton's gem challenge on my mobile phone and a couple of phone calls and texts. Soon after, half the electricity resumed ( by half, I mean the television and the lights in the garage!) Six hours later, I was drenched with sweat and really close to walking to the nearest house with water and electricity. Then mum discovered that her aircon worked but I was still grumpy; I couldn't sleep without a shower and I hadn't eaten dinner yet (it was around 1am). I brushed my teeth, washed my face all with the water from the kitchen's sink as it was the only water tap working. Putting the status quo to the back of my mind, I managed to sleep.

Four hours later, I was woken up by the chatterbox, Kati. Dragged myself to shower and just as I was almost all ready, Ziqah texted to say she wasn't going to school, again. I altered decision. I went back to bed considering mum hadn't been awake yet but shortly after, I heard the sound of the car's engine rumbling. Aiiiyahhhh. School I went.

Met Khal after class, it's either she's getting taller or everyone just literally shrunk vertically. Whatever it is, I hate standing beside her- she makes me feel like I have a little bit of the midget genes. I heart Khal :D

I am going to shower soon and I hope the storm hits again tonight so I won't have to go tuition which is very unlikely to happen as the weather girl of the day, Eezah predicted that it comes every alternate days only.

Everyone's being a geek lately. They know everything from velocity to logarithm to alkanoic acids and all that shit. Clearly I have lost my chances of going to ISB or JIS not unless I get my studies back on track and study every minute from now, which is also very unlikely. Mocks mocks mocks.

Everyone's also sick lately. I want to be sick too. I hate feeling left out.

XOXO.

♥ Thursday, July 19, 2007

money makes the world go round. money is essential. money is power.

i've become more and more of a spendthrift in the recent months and i spend cash on useless items. Let's estimate how much an ordinary day out with friends would burn my pockets:

Movie- $8
Sushi Lunch-$10
Solitude's cake+hot choc-$10
Drink at CZ-$5

TOTAL: $33.
That's just that, what if i were to include popcorn and other useless stuff? And if i were to go out once a week for every week, it'll sum up to an amount of $132. i shall not continue any further, it breaks my heart
Today was an easy day, just pure fun. I went home from school during recess and thus skipping the dramatics in drama club and the maniacs in math class. I went out for a bit during the afternoon and then home i went. Mum brought home take-away from Excapade and soon after, my cousin brought me out to accompany her shop. My eyes caught this fucking spellbinding bikini hanging so attractively. It was love at first sight. Thirty bucks vanished at that instant.
I don't know when i'll wear it but heck, who cares(though it makes good colour combination for my party). My willpower to resist temptation is very very poor :S

♥ Monday, July 16, 2007

Yesterday was my day out with Ziqah, Nimah, Hazim and Rab. We had sushi at Excapade for lunch and after that we headed to the Mall to watch Harry Potter, for the second time. Rab's intention was actually to get scrapbooking items for her cousin's birthday from Shabby Chic but it was closed sooooo no shopping :) After the movie, we went to CZ. I had decided to go against the usual and settled for a Latte instead. Hazim was 'smart' enough to get a DOUBLE espresso. My latte was okay, at least it wasn't as bad as Hazim's double espresso. All had a sip of it and all agreed it tasted like cigarette ash+ water. As a result, i nearly fell twice, i had an upset tummy for the rest of the night and the caffeine accompanied my sleepless night. It was made worse by my purple lights which simply decided not to light up anymore. I cried. No, seriously. My kampong has no stars at night and so the purple lights were the only thing that resembled the most to the stars at night. Whilst staring at my half-dead purple lights, Yellow was on repeat. I was depressed. Depressed that my lights were dead. Half were.


It was the 15th yesterday- Mama bought papa one hell of a gadget- the Nokia E90 Communicator. Hell! beats my K800i. I effin love the 3.2 camera and the mocha colour. Eversince, his phone was in tight grips all the time. He was gasconading like Ziqa's brother, Eizzad(the only perasan person i could think off at the moment) and this one time, he showed me the phone(which was still firmly grasped) and said "like Peanut Butter M&Ms" fuhh yeah dad whatever. Also, my bestie best best best friend in the whole wide world, Nas bought herself SE S500i- the phone she's been fancying about ever since it came out. Happenstance, the last time Nas and my dad bought a phone was about four years ago, also on the 15th. Both Nas and dad bought a phone on the same day, same time andddd same place! Not that it matters but i find that strangely amusing.



i left the mall at 8.30 something pm. I guess i passed being kampungan for the day. Papa's off to KL for eleven days. I rule the house, all hail me.

p/s: my maid is a bitch. she really is.

♥ Saturday, July 7, 2007

SHINLING LIM IS HOME <333333 whee (:

Mama's making Pan Mien at the kitchen right now and i am lying on my bed waiting for it to be ready :D i've been really psyched up today... really hyper that i sang christmas carols in Chemistry class and blew in plastic bags like some mad wumannn.

Tomorrow's MS Anti Drugs Family Carneehvuhl! excited much. i'm actually excited to see the people who's coming instead of the activities :p LOL.

whoops.cousins coming over and we're going shopping :D later loves.

♥ Thursday, July 5, 2007

Eezah, here's the video you've been waiting for. I'm no chicken ;)

♥ Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I have a super scarred hand. I still love my cat, more than ever. And I cant type much…so let the pictures speak.

And as a result… a 'tetrenous' (something like that) injection. five day antibiotic, dressing, panadol and alternate days of dressing change at the clinic. so much fun*snorts*

love.

♥ Monday, June 25, 2007

After days, or probably weeks, I finally had the guts to read through my old conversations with this particular person whom shall remain as anonymous, to be safe.

I tried not to tremble nor look like pathetic by crying, I skipped the good parts and the bad too. Well, let's just say I read the useless and neutral. I don't know, I have mixed feelings about this and it took me a while to rid the rage towards his ungracious misjudgments. As much as I believe that putting matter behind won't work, I'll still give it a try. I'm leaving it to the back of my mind and hope that memory loss will soon efface it all. However, I don't feel any bit sad…just not brave enough to recall the past. I shall not get more personal than it already is.

Today is the first day of waking up at quarter to six in the morning for school. BACK TO SCHOOL. It wasn't exactly the hardest thing to get on to. To make school a bit more interesting, I decided to break the school rules by putting on nail polish and wearing super thin translucent socks but there wasn't any spot-check. I then realized that all my homework that I had finished during the term break were all to be handed in at a later date and those which I were supposed to hand in today, I did not do! So much for being prepared.

Today was the launching of Minggu Budi Bahasa. I am uncertain of the real definition of that but I presume it's courtesy week? So I'm watching out on my 'sorry' and 'thank you'. I hate it when people don't ask for permission and never courteous! I feel like pulling stomping on their spine and twist their tongue and bake it in 375 Fahrenheit to make the perfect tongue-bun. Screw you impolite retards.

I have tons to blog on- the holiday, the trip, the sleepover, the father whom decided to cut my social life and who thinks I am an imbecile with effing poor time management and low intelligence, and the cousin whom I miss so much who's coming back in less than two weeks. So much to write but so little time.

♥ Thursday, June 21, 2007

i would like to wake up everyday with a different view outside my window.

one night in paris, the next in hawaii, the next in dubai, the next in puerto rico. and it goes on and on.


i just love to travel. nothing beats traveling. love love loveeeee.

♥ Wednesday, June 20, 2007

this is random but there's this international marathon that would be held in Pattaya on the 15th of July and i all of a sudden want to go so badly. Since it's the Sultan's birthday, it'd be a public holiday so i thought of a trip for a day or two just to attend the marathon. speaking of marathons, i haven't collected my 05 Brunei International Marathon cert yet! i bet they threw it away already.gahhh.

it's papa's birthday today. i haven't wished him yet because he screwed up my good mood yesterday. and because of that, i don't feel like finishing the scrapbooking album i wanted to give for his birthday. he makes me somewhat lifeless during this holiday. all i can do is sit in my room and 'brush up' on my studies, get ready for school, clean the house and all that shit and wait till i get mouldy for people to come over and visit me(which would never happen!) GREAT DAD. GREAT JOB. so much for being superdad.

i just hope i'd be allowed for one last sleepover at Ziq's and i hope they'd sleepover here too. If it can't happen, then i'd officially declare myself a loner.

enjoy.blah.

♥ Tuesday, June 19, 2007

♥ Sunday, June 17, 2007

ten days of the musty filthy polluted air that greased my hair and odorized my clothing are gone. i am home, breathing fresh air, just like before.

my trip wasn't exactly the most exciting trip i've ever had and i didn't shop as much or do any water sports but this trip has made me realized something that i've never actually realized before...

my dad and i have so much in common yet so much different at the same time. difference aside, i must say he's a great father. happy fathers day dad <3

details on the trip on the posts to come. i need to sort pictures and details out first.

i missed my friends, i miss the laughter and the wackiness. i want to make the remaining days of my break AWESOME and nothing near boring. i'm not putting it to waste as it'll be the last term break i'm ever going to relax and have fun.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KHAL. i'm not sure if you even know that i have a blog but yeah, i'm sorry we've become very distant but that doesn't mean i miss you less. come home and we'll make your visit back here a blast. i loveeee youuu.

now let me breathe fresh air. until then, take care readers.

♥ Wednesday, June 6, 2007

♥ Tuesday, June 5, 2007

it takes me an average of 6 minutes and 30 seconds to finish sucking a Mentos. how about you?

i must quit being a lazy bum. my laziness has gone over-the-top. i've been too lazy to eat. to shower. to go to school(no surprise there!) and even pack! there's a part of me that doesn't want to travel at this time. once i get back, there'd only be seven days left. i wouldn't have much time to just laze around at home, have dvd dates and sleepovers, stalk ;p and not to forget, revision and the pile of homework! sigh. and i would be dead broke by the time i get back, i wouldn't have enough money to even hang out with friends in a cafe or something. fine, fine, i'll just settle with a bag of chips and milk or yoghurt drink at home. alone.

i have finished my latest scrapbooking piece but i can't post the picture up just yet or else it won't be a surprise. credits to Ayen from Shabbychic for helping me out :)

Shabbychic has new arrivals up on their shelves today but i'm just too bummed to go somewhere public. Dad has been really nice and tolerant when it comes to me spending on scrapbooking items. He cashed out a hefty fifty on my last piece and had my side when my mum lectured me on how costly it was. WHEE. i've decided to work on a whole album for his birthday.

i feel so shitty these past few days. it's like... my favourites aren't my favourites anymore, and music doesn't sound that good, and food doesn't taste so great, and school sucks more than ever, and holiday doesn't seem pretty fascinating as i used to picture. BLAHHHH. i want to do something outrageous and different. i want to go to a place that's spectacular. something like bungee jump at waterfalls or dive in the atlantic ocean. okay so maybe not to that extreme, but perhaps...oh yes, drive. i am going to beg my mother to let me drive around my neighbourhood. (and probably a car ride to town too ;p )

enough of the ramble. this is pointless. i still feel dispirited :(

p/s: i think Dandy Warhol is just...dandy :p

♥ Sunday, June 3, 2007

one.two.three.four.five.six.seven.eight.nine.i stopped at nine.

this is what i do every night,counting, in my deepest desire, to sleep.

i am all worn-out like the after-war but my mind's sword is still swooshing its way through the battle. battle of my thoughts.

and tomorrow we will be FIS. ziqa will miss out whatever fun we'd have as she is sick and will still be sick tomorrow. grrreat. pfft.

i need to talk. i've been contemplating alot that i have lost touch to what's shallow, and present.

the holiday mood is kicking in too soon and combating it makes me very...upset. it's like going in the opposite direction of something; friction. whatever.

i have Malay Ceramah to hand in tomorrow. It was absolutely not in my mind until Ziqah reminded me a couple of hours ago and here i sit debating to myself whether or not to do it. Scratch that, it should be... here i sit deriving a list of excuses as to why i fail to hand it in tomorrow. It's something about youth's contribution to the country's development or something. It should be right or i was totally absent-minded when the teacher explained. Firstly, it's not quite fiction thus i cannot make up fairytales or something. Second, it's in Malay thus making it twice as hard. IT'S THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL. QUIT HOMEWORK.

dad has reminded me to pack already and that too, i failed doing. i have lost my packing ability :p need.to.pack. packing in advance makes things easier for me especially since i'm very forgetful. and i haven't got books to buy listing yet.

Happy Birthday Dinah. Happy Belated Birthday Maz and Nisah. :)

this week's upcoming highlight:
1) TERM BREAK :D
2) travel
3) dinner with Rab & Ziqah <3

not much happening. i have this sudden urge to watch a concert or a performance. sigh. and i have a lot of depressing sad songs in my ipod. random.

Aunt's going to UK the same day we fly off. I am definitely going to ask her to shave the whole stock of peanut butter M&M's off the stores in UK. i wonder whether they provide mailing for food products. my love for peanut butter m&m's is excessively high.

disconnected-xxx

♥ Saturday, May 26, 2007

my mum had a few people over to fix the light bulb in my toilet and guess what? the light is now a shade of light purple and err blue. i almost look like BARNEY. seriously, as much as i love purple i wouldn't want purple lighting in my TOILET.

purple toilet aside, my dad brought me to the electronics expo at Huaho Manggis Mall after school. He bought me this effing cool blasting sound system with built in alarm and radio andddd a special dock built-in for ipods. how awesome is that? well, he bought that partly because i guess he got sick of me waking up late for school every morning and having to knock on door millions of times. and and andddd he also bought a portable dvd player which i don't know why for-it's not like we don't have dvd players or laptops to play discs on. nonetheless, i am glad :D



PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN is effing good! ORLANDO BLOOM orgasmmmmm =p

went to watch it with Kapaks at Qlap Mall and after that went to Excapade Gadong for sushiii :)
i want to watch pirates over and over again until i get sick of it. i want the baju. i want orlando bloom, please? thanks everyone =)

as you all know, ladies at the back are really panat and talur people with endless lame jokes and conversations. today wasn't an exception. Eezah was talking about how her ipod had mix songs of different languages and guess what she said "Ipod ku ani university" what she actually meant was "Ipod ku ani universal" hahaha. now it doesn't seem as funny as how it was just now :/

i love my friends. i love playing hangman during chemistry. i love copying english homework from each other and vaining during physics. i love picking the best table to sit at in the cafeteria. i love buying marigold peel fresh with my best friends. i love everything :DD

i should probably go now. pictures from the kapaks outing and today will soon be posted on my multiply -> farahdh.multiply.com

♥ Wednesday, May 23, 2007

i am addicted to the most addictive drug in the entire universe. quitting seems impossible.

withdrawal symptoms suck.

XD

♥ Sunday, May 20, 2007

♥ Tuesday, May 15, 2007

"a long time ago we used to be friends but i haven't thought of you lately at all"

i apologize for the lack of updates(again!) i've been busy prep-ing for tests.

I'm in a world of scrapbooking now =D i made a layout for my cousin's birthday and i think it's pretty good, for a start. Last Friday, my cousin and I participated in the scrapbooking lesson at Shabby Chic. Although t'was my second time, it was great and i learnt a lot more as there were new embellishments and kits used :D


Aaaanyway, I met Brunei's second woman-pilot sometime last week. =DDDDDD

She was really really pretty and friendly. I didn't talk much because i was simply shocked. It was so impromptu, dad was talking to the person while i paid the parking ticket at the airport and when i went there she was there and bla bla bla. I will fly...someday (:

On the contrary, dad's been pushing me to study and nagging me about how i suck at Physics and Maths and all about pilot bla bla bla. Truth is, i'm still not definitely sure about it. I mean, he's already telling everyone that i want to be a pilot. blergh.

I cant cant cant cant wait for term break. Pattaya here we come~ :D

it's probably going to be my last trip until after O's so i'm going to be really thrifty over there. much funnnnn! i'm starting to pack sudah, haha yeah, thatttt iski.

Nene Dats and Nene Bets are in The Phils. siukkkk XD

I don't feel like blogging anymore now :/

p/s: i hate 'cling-foil' men. too clingy. loosen up, get a life. ever heard of fwbs, perv?

♥ Sunday, May 13, 2007

♥ Thursday, May 10, 2007

today i was absent from school. headache and an upset tummy. i did nothing but to eat, sleep and a little bit of revision. At tuition, i taught Santi how to write the proper way. She has this 'retarded' way of writing :p lol. By the end of the tuition class, i managed to bend her lengthy inflexible fingers into the correct position of holding a pen but her writing was like a first-grader. I'll work that out tomorrow. haha.

just as i was about to rid off the awful event that happened in school that was a slap to my face, i was slapped again just now. eye-opening much. Teacher sent me this long message as to how bla bla bla. I am guilt-ridden.

I am going out tomorrow. Whee :)

i better buzz off now. i have duties yet to be accomplished ;)

smile.

♥ Wednesday, May 9, 2007

apologies to those who have insisted me to update. i was just lost in Cikgu Rashidah's lecture yesterday and i needed time to absorb it all. enough is enough, the past remains in the past.

08/05/07

After school, mum and I went back to Tutong to visit grandmother. I slept through the whole journey in the car and the second we arrived, i dashed over to the sofa in the living room and again, dozed back to sleep. After a solid two to three hours of sleep, i was woken up by the smell of tasty blackpepper squid and the ever tasty eggs. Nothing beats my kampung-cooked food. I thought of visiting my little nephew whom i've never seen before but he wasn't there.

I love going back to Tutong, even if it's for a couple of hours. The one minute view of the beach as we pass by to and fro is always beautiful. It's always peaceful and quiet overthere and i have my beloved cousin to gossip with ;D

Slept again on the way back home.

♥ Monday, May 7, 2007

i think miracles do happen. i believe in miracles.

...you're a miracle.

the sun's going to shine :)

♥ Saturday, May 5, 2007

I AM FURIOUS. I HATE MY SUNDAY MORNING BIOLOGY TUITION. GAHHHH.

The whole family is going to Li Gong tomorrow for brunch and i am not going because of effing tuition! I miss going to Li Gong for brunch and i surely miss family gatherings like these. damn tuition. I WANT LI GONG FOR BRUNCH TOMORROW. my dad's infront of me rejoicing over the fact he is going and i am not! pfft. he better tapaukan me food!

on the bright side, i wont get food pregnant anymore. i tend to get food pregnant with dimsum and their SUPER NYAMAN buffet. sighhhhh.

i finished watching Grey's Anatomy-both eps! FRIKKIN AWESOME. three new hot guys. SUPER HOT. *melts*

and my dad's getting the 4.5" Sony Vaio portable PC. LAWAAAA. makes my laptop even more worthless now. yeah, the jealousy.

quote of the day: chickens make the world go round.

here's what i've learnt today: must love chickens. they build up the fat healthy me and they balance out the ummm cycle. ecosystem. whatever that means. Ziqa's in paranoia to chicken muscles. She thinks that by eating chicken, it means that we're eating their muscles too. I am okay with that, i think chicken fat disgusts me more than their muscles. Muscles are hot.

♥

The perfect words never crossed my mind
'Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me, screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me

All I wanted, just sped right past me
But I was rooted fast to the earth
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out

There you are, standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety

No, I don't wanna wait forever (x2)

In the confusion, and the aftermath
You are my signal fire
The only resolution and the only joy
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes

There you are, standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety

There you are, standing right in front of me (x2)
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety

No, I don't wanna wait forever (x3)

So i've just listened to it this morning and it's been on repeat eversince. credits to Ziqah.

HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE SNOW PATROL?

Snow Patrol makes me smile. Snow Patrol makes me cry. Snow Patrol gives me the eargasm.

I've been trying to explain how much and why i love music especially Snow Patrol and all i could think of are the words 'BIG' , 'LIFE' and i am still searching for the perfect word to describe SP.

i am a happy kid, as for now.

oh and by the way, IAN HAS A NEW BLOG PEOPLE :D

cheers.

♥ Friday, May 4, 2007

i am changing my friendster account. add my new friendster,yes? farahdh@gmail.com

i won't delete the old one but i won't be using it.

♥

I have put a lot of thinking to this. The future scares me, what will I be doing ten years time? Who would I be with? Where will I live in? How’s my living then?

Let’s not talk about the far future. Let’s just talk about the months to come. In a couple of months, I would be sixteen. I would be at the peak of my life, not too young to make decisions and not too old to change the far future. So here’s what I plan: three months of endless studying and pressure. I am going to beg everyone to put the load on me. After those three months, there’ll be the big exam. After the big exam, there’s the big operation. After the big operation, there’s the big holiday. Then let’s just hope I get a scholarship.

Career? I’m not quite sure of what I really really want to pursue just as yet. However, I have a few that I have put into consideration:

a) A)Forensic Investigator

b) B)Pilot

c) C)MoFA

d) D)Psychology/ Child Specialist

e) E)MoD?

I couldn’t think of any other career paths that I’m really passionate about. Or if I’m REALLY REALLY LUCKY… I could marry Donald Trump/ Hugh Hefner/Alex Ferguson and then I won’t have to worry about my career. I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer but there are a lot of young lawyers graduating and I’m just not confident that I’d be having a job once I graduate.

As much as I want the scholarship, part of me is just not ready yet. I somehow want to wait until after pre-university. I’m only sixteen, I depend on my parents for almost everything and as much as I despise them at most times, deep down I love them for everything they’ve given me. Plus, I’ve always thought that I am the guardian to the family. I keep the family together and I am the only one who’d be caring for my parents. They should’ve had another kid.

It puts me to tears sometimes thinking about how, at age sixteen, I’d have to make so many big decisions on my own. Life-altering decisions. I guess I’m just not prepared. A couple of years ago, I never thought that I’d be in this situation. All I thought of was being independent and a step near adulthood. I never thought that being independent meant having to make life-altering decisions on my own.

There’s so much more that I want to accomplish. BGIC for example; I want to be in it again. This year’s wasn’t enough, I want more. I should’ve joined it earlier. I need experience and three months can’t give me much. Three months. I’ll make sure it’ll be a hectic three months, damn hectic. Plus, it’ll be good if I could use this three months to study instead of thinking about the Derek Shepherd- resembling stranger.

What if I make a mistake along the way and turn to the wrong path and end up with a future that I much dislike? L

Three months. Three months. Three months. It’ll come in an instant and will I be ready then? I should be ready now and I am not. Not ready for anything. Now, you’re not the only one who’s not ready. So much for being indecisive.

I need someone to keep pushing me and forcing me to work and study hard and think right. I work best under pressure. As for now, I am too relaxed and I shouldn’t be. GRR.

♥

It’s almost a month and I could still remember vividly the last day we spoke. I could barely vanish these thoughts off my mind. Much I miss you, I still do.

How now my dear? As for me, I am enduring the grueling moments of life. Here I am in your favourite café with your favourite food for breakfast. They played your favourite music, if only you were here with me. The diner lady told me you came in last night with a woman, Amanda I presume. News has it that you’ve returned to her. Karma- you do believe in it don’t you, sweetheart?

I quit my job. I couldn’t write anymore. The day you left, my thoughts ran away with you. All I write now are unaddressed letters; if only I had known your whereabouts. I tried your house address but my letters were all sent back. I couldn’t trust mails. What made us like this? How were we before?

I should’ve known better. Should’ve believed in karma. Should’ve known that it’d take you away. Karma did take you away. I wish I could disengage you as easily as you did to me. I’ve always thought that it takes a heartless to be able to disengage another without dismal. I couldn’t believe you are one, I refuse to believe.

You don’t seem to miss me anymore but I just wish you do. I’m running in circles; no matter how far I run, I still end up here.

How did we go our separate ways? Amanda. Oh, yes, Amanda. I almost forgot she existed.

At least I know you’re still here, somewhere. I’ll go on writing address-less letters to you.

With love,

Darla (Your non-existent aficionada).

I just wanted to know how it feels like to write love letters from the hopeless. The hopeless in this story would be a woman who was left by a man(ha! not so much of a man) for another woman, umm... yeah, that's pretty much it.

note: 'how now' is a literature sort of way to say 'how are you'.

♥

♥ Thursday, May 3, 2007

♥

♥ Tuesday, May 1, 2007

as requested by my faithful blog reader, Eezah, perhaps the only blog reader, i will blog today.

where do i start? bio practical. we had bio practical in the afternoon just now and after a very long thought, here's what i concluded: it's either a) my vocabulary bank is really really poor thus i cannot understand what the question was asking for or b) god created man and biology and thus isn't meant to be fully understood.

the question was asking something about giving allowance to the leaf drawing on the grid. whatttttttttttttt? the only allowance i could think of was space and money. space still doesn't make much sense if i were to put it in that sentence. Sir Zainal if you happen to read this- I AM DEEPLY SORRY I LEFT THE QUESTIONS WITHOUT ANY ANSWER. simply because i do not believe in answering it without making any sense or without knowing what i am writing. i'd rather leave it blank rather than answering total crap that doesn't make sense, to me at least.

i have been craving for Jollibee for days and i still haven't had the chance. I had lunch at Taurean with mum just now. Here's to test your condition reflex:-

♥ Monday, April 30, 2007

MEREDITH: "Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want."

DEREK: "I don't... I just... That day, when you came out of the water ...trying to breathe for you. I love you, and I want you, but I don't know what to... you didn't swim. You didn't swim and you know how to. And I don't know if I can... I don't know if I wanna keep trying to breathe for you."
MEREDITH: [pauses, shocked] "I should go. I'll go."

i think i'm just another Meredith and you're another Derek. my Mc Dreamy. you. yes, you.

♥

i just got back from the hospital, and again, as always, it stresses me out :'(

i have three days to make a really really really important decision. three days. i am undecisive, how am i supposed to decide in three days?

something pissed me off while waiting for the doctor just now. there were two ladies in their mid 30s also waiting for their call. anyway, one was on the phone with i assume some guy and the other one was just listening. as usual, i eavesdropped. then i heard them giggle and the woman who was listening to their convo. said something about "balance. 69 eh". anddd that was when it hit me. 69 = sex. so things got more interesting and i continued eavesdropping. and then the woman asked "cuba kau tanya ia, ia suka bini2 di atas kah bini2 di bawah?" OMFG.

number 1- do not discuss about sex in public. IT IS A HOSPITAL FOR GOD'S SAKE. NOT A THERAPY SESSION FOR SEX ADDICTS OR ANYTHING CLOSE TO IT.

number 2- WHISPER. don't talk out loud.

number 3- trying censoring. there were kids around!

and the woman was with a child, fyi. disgusting shit. i moved to another seat right away.

i hate making decisions, important ones. i am afraid of taking the wrong turn. afraid of making a mistake as to my decision. i need time for deep thinking. i am messed up.

my life was just fine until you came.and now that you left, i am derelict and wrecked.


congratulations Ian. poklens rock ;) you rock.

"i could never find another stranger like you"...and that is true.

♥ Sunday, April 29, 2007

Fitness Zone just mailed me a letter just now asking me to consider renewing my membership since they've got new upcoming programmes and facilities. On top of that, they gave me a seven days free pass anddddddd... i received two of those letters meaning i have two seven-days-pass :D

i shall consider joining back as Chymes is getting...not-so-good, anyone wants to join?=D i so need a training partner. oh come on, accompany me to the gymmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

i am at the last bit of scrapbooking. i might have to drop by Shabby Chic again to get some letterings. i have too many pretty stuff and i do not know which one to stick on. afer this i'll frame it and send it to the lucky person ;)

i haven't posted up pictures from Izzy's party on my Multiply yet. it'll take some time, be patient! :)

i miss the person who makes me smile even when the sun doesn't shine.

back to scrapbooking.

much love!

she still sleeps with the light on and she acts like it's alright. she's a question without answer.

♥

♥ Saturday, April 28, 2007

i just got back home :D it feels so good to be out on a saturday night WITHOUT af. i.just.can't.stand.akademi.fantasia.and.all.that.shit.they.bring.

we went to Qlap Mall as Eezah wanted to look for Izzy's last minute birthday present and then went to Vincci. IIIII wanted to get friggin shades but guess who ended up buying two shades ;p then went to Aneka Rasa. i wasn't in the mood for any dancing so i just sat and watch. and took pictures :D pictures->

♥

i seriously dread Saturday nights. i get all stressed out on Saturday nights. we allllllllll sixteen-year-olds who can't drive and hate AF, dread Saturday nights.

i've been going out every saturday nights, or at least, i am trying to go out every saturday nighs. i seriously can't stand being at home doing NOTHING while everyone else watches AF. i once cried because i couldn't stand it and then i slept early. I HOPE AF WILL END SOON, LIKE REALLY REALLY SOON. I HOPE THIS WEEK WILL BE THE LAST.I HOPE AF WILL BE BANNED. FOREVER OR AT LEAST UNTIL I AM EIGHTEEN.

someone please save me from saturday night misery. DRIVE ME SOMEWHERE. somewhere without AF. pfffttttttttttttttttttt! #$%@. i feel like crying.

i have been scrapbooking since last night and i am thissssss close to giving up. i hate the cutting bit. trust me, it's very tiring!

jayi enggayi alu-itoh. go figure. i was pms-ing since this morning. i am having the monday blues already!!! everything pisses me off. shittt. okay, i am definite. i am going to kiulap tonight. AF SUCKS. go to hell Aznil. you're not that funny.

xoxo.

♥ Friday, April 27, 2007

hello :) as i mentioned in the previous post, i went shopping :D i hate it how money vanishes like magic. if only i had magic skills, i'd make money reappear. 200 bucks gone just for shorts, patchis, scrapbooking items, this aurat kain thing, and some little things from Guardian. that was it. kerayyyzehhh but i'm pretty happy with what i bought :))

♥

I AM DITCHING ADD MATHS TUITION. so that i could go to gadong.

i need to get embellishments(sp?) and papers for scrapbooking. Shabby Chic rocks.

shit i need a new laptop. this one is shit. the music goes screech scruuch creet screech then it gets stuck if i don't switch off the laptop after a few hours. stoops.

my maid can't cook fettucine. i can cook better ;)

i better get ready. shop shop!

♥

-i have three birthday gifts to buy.

-i have heap loads of pending elit assignments(since jan 07) yes...january. i know.

-i am desperate to find the two Guess shades. i find it odd- they dont sell guess shades in Brunei.

-i woke up without my earring studs- must've lost it somewhere on the bed.

-i need a haircut. SHAHDONNNNNNNNNNNN.

-i still have a vanilla cupcake and half blueberry cheesecake from yesterday.

-i so desperately want a NINTENDO WII! not that i would play it often but it just fits the corner in my room so perfectly and i could play indoor tennis then.

here are the pictures of wacky us in the holes where you supposedly put bags and files. we were checking out whether out asses could fit in it. apparently, our asses arent that huge after all :) phewww.







i seriously need new tudongs man. my tudong collection is very sad. i think if everyone buys me one tudong, and if i have seven people to buy. it means that i'd have one whole week of tudongs :) great. my birthday is coming soon. buy me tudongs. or if you're rich and you love me, the nintendo wii, of course!

my life was mended by the stranger who messed it up afterwards and then left a question mark without answers. yes, call me dumb blonde.

♥ Thursday, April 26, 2007

hola :)

i have a new turtle! :D no i did not buy it, i am against the capturing of turtles as it would lead to turtles' extinction. the gardener found a cute tiny little baby turtle at our drain. afraid that it would not survive the toxic polluted filthy drain, i invited him to his new home - a bowl filled with pure oxygen-rich clean tap water :) i am thinking of what to name it. i'll release it once it grows a little bit bigger.

today is Maktab Sain's annual sports day and i did not attend :p and no, not because i was lazy. i had an appointment at the hospital and i woke up late and was late for the appt. anyway, i had my first ct scan 64 slice 3d reconstruction x-ray this morning and it was effing cool that i decided to share my experience with you lot.

the waiting was no fun. i had to wait for two long hours with no entertainment,i left my phone at home and it wouldve been better if i had a pen and paper in which i could scribble unnecessary shit on. while waiting, i eavesdropped on the conversation the two adults sitting beside me had. it was funny, not that it was 'funny' but it was silly. this man who seemed to be in his late forties or early fifties which i assume is diabetic and obese, learning from the conversation they had, was talking about how he's been controlling his diet and eating HEALTHY food and yada yada. why, why, how ironic. if he has been keeping up with a healthy diet, why on earth does he have a needle poked up in a blood vessel on his arm and uhm, i shall not mention any further for that will be very very nasty. nevermind about that.

oh shit. avril lavigne's skimpy shit song is playing on MTV right now. infact, it's been playing on and on for what may seem to be centuries. what is wrong with her? avril the fake dumb blondie singing mainstream meaningless crap. here's what i say: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S LIKE SO WHATEVER AVRIL. fuck off. she tries so hard to be skimpy cheerleader who'd cry over a broken fingernail.

anyway, back to the topic. after that this old man came in with his wheelchaired wife who was also waiting to be x-rayed. this is weird, but, the old man kept on staring at me like you knowww... ahh well, maybe he just felt young for a second there. haha! not to mention he talked to me and stood realllllllyyy close it was sickening.

a while after, my name was called and i entered the effing cool room. no, not that cool actually. i lay down on this bed-like thing and they had me strapped down like as if i was some kind of criminal. they lay a blue heavy hard thing on my body followed be a green wool blanket that they always use in hospitals and strapped both wrists on the side. that was not it yet, they even strapped my forehead and my chin! talk about experience.

and then they sent me down this white cave-like machine which seemed like an igloo. there wasn't anything special in the igloo. all that was in it was a red light which came passing by my eyes every ten seconds or so. they told me not to move a single bit which made me feel a little uncomfortable. plus, the heavy weight they placed on my body made it harder for me to breathe.

well that was my effing cool experience, yeah yeah, not-so-cool after all :p the results would be cool. how many of you could have a 3d x-ray copy of your own figure eh ;) ?

back at home, i watched Blades Of Glory starring Will Ferrell and Jon Heder. it was silly/stupid, those like National Lampoon's but overall, it was fine :) a good laugh.

YESTERDAY- April 25th.

I bought effing pretty Nike shoes :) no, mama bought it for me. along with a purple Nike shirt that's also effing cool. okay, so it's not really running shoes but i just had to get it because my stupid school's just so brainless they want everyone to use only black and white sport shoes. please, why can't they be considerate for once? 1) no one wants to get cheapskate china running shoes-they don't last and they don't have perfect fitting. 2) we need sports shoes for RUNNING which means it should be comfortable for runs and it must best fit us. 3) however, good shoes are not that cheap and not evryone's rich. 4) not unless the school would provide the students with allowance for shoes, then not everyone can comply with the rules. 5) plus, how many totally black/white branded running shoes can you find in the market today? in BRUNEI. not many really. it took me a very long time to find this almost-totally white nike. so yes, discipline teachers- you guys are lucky i am a big fan for sports shoes or else i wouldn't even give a shit about those rules. and you don't know how hard it is for me to beg my parents. they banned my from buying running shoes since last year!


the pink one is the other one that i wanted to get but the gold one was a better fit.

♥ Tuesday, April 24, 2007

i can't do this. don't drug me. sigh.

♥

i sometimes think that life is not enough. i want something bigger than just seven to twelve of school everyday five times a week. here's what Eezah and I discussed about just now:

if you had a choice to make, between O Level and a two-weeks all paid for trip to anywhere around the world(like a tour round the world)... what would you pick?

i say travel. i don't know. it's not that education is not important, it is, in fact it's on top of the list. education is everything but then, what if you'd never have that chance to watch the BIG world outside? it is a once in a lifetime experience.

the world at large. the world huge but i'm only seeing a small part of it. i want to view the world on a larger ratio. i want to go everywhere. right now, my world is very tiny and i feel limited. caged. trapped. i just want to see the world. right now, a trip around the world is my only big wish. i'd die happy if i get to travel around the world. even if i die in a bomb explosion in Iraq or something, i'd die happy. as long as i get to travel.

Ziqa's going to KK tomorrow and papa's going to Bali. shit. this makes me want to travel even more. Well, Ladies at the back plan to go to KK this term break. we'd go snorkeling and KAYAKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG and savour the ever-fresh seafood. it'd be awesome. it'd be better if we could have a road trip to KK. it will happen. will. must.

i love life. loveeeeeeeeeeee. despite the bad situations i was put in, i.still.love.life.

bedtime. MAN U IS PLAYING LATER. ICANTFRIGGINWAIT =D

♥ Monday, April 23, 2007

happy friggin 16th birthday, ian! my bestest best best boy-friend ever in the whole wide world. haha. and ian i know i owe you a birthday gift and you'll have to wait a little while longer over there ian. i fucking suck at buying gifts. or you could probably wait till the next time i travel which is innnnn June. or i could just get you fucking sexy boxers which at first, i thought was perfect. but then, do boxers have sizes or is it just free-size? omg. NEVERMIND. *crosses out boxers from list*

i don't want to give you just something-anything. i want it to be memorable and forever. like our friendship.hahahahahahahah. not funny, i know. i would buy you sexy bling bling earrings if you had piercings but unfortunately you don't. i'd buy you bikinis if you had boobs,oops, i mean if you were a woman but you're a man. aiyaaaa... what to get? Santi's getting you a waffle maker i think. or a chocolate cake. i can't remember. OHHHH I THINK I KNOW A PERFECT LITTLE GIFT THAT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME. ask me again in an hour time, i'd probably cancel it off from the gift-list too.

SANTI HAS A GOFFRIKKIN BLOG AND IT IS GOFFRIKKIN AWESOME. it was all worth it, convincing her to set up a blog of her own. she writes very well, not surprised there. one thing i love about her writing is that she gets very sarcastic yet she doesn't go overboard with it. just the right level of sarcasm. like the one about the tongue. hahahaha. stupid.

i just realized something. i don't have a dream boy. you know, like the perfect ideal boy in your dreams. i don't have any. is it bad? or is it good? i don't know. like Santi goes for bald and black. the double B quality. Eezah goes for bald hot Syafique like men. Qilah goes for god-knows-how-to-classify-them type, so not my type, but oh well =) and Ziqah goes for...hmmm cute close to good-boy kind of type. so there, they go boy/men-hunting knowing very well what they're looking for. and since i don't have a dream boy, boy hunting doesn't interest me. booooring.

mama's back from KAYELLLLLLLLLL. she brought home chocolates. like as if i am not fat enough. god stop bringing food home!!! i hope my dad wont get any food products when he goes to Bali. oh yeah, he's going to friggin BALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII on wednesday. shit. i want to travel. i have two pieces of writing still in progress and i'll post it up as soon as i finish it. it'll take a while, i want to be devoted to my studies for a bit, at least till the end of the week.

and i discovered this dusty old book on Islam. it's very good actually, i read a couple of pages at random and it has questions that people, people like me often wonder. howeverrrrrrrrr it is in a Malay. so it'll take a while for me to finish reading and understanding what it says but i'll manage. and i found really really good books at our mini library too. it must've been my dad's or my grandad's. i love my family. they read good books =D haha.

to be continued later. shower and something-else time.

♥ Sunday, April 22, 2007

i went out with my boyfriend the whole day. we went everywhere, including the Kiulap Mall. yes, yes, it was my first time going to Qlap Mall. i met heck loads of people today like TENNIS COACH.&^%#. apparently my boyfriend knows him well and even worse, he is my cousin. shoot.

yes, and soo i met a lot of cousins today. i don't know why. after Qlap Mall we drove around Kiulap for abit the we went to Gadong. To the Mall. met cousins again. i find it weird, everytime i go out with my boyfriend, there'd be alot of hot(super hot even) guys roaming around that area jua. shitttttttttttttttttt wrong timing jua banar eh. oh and this might be sekadar but i saw this person arah Qlap Mall who's in this local band, which i shall not mention the name .*grins*

what else did i do today? ohhhh i went to VisionWorks and saw this dark red ray-bans. goffrikkin lawa. it costs like 300 bucks and my boyfriend asked "so do you want to get that?" i blinked and blinked again. he must be crazy. i said no. i am very bad when it comes to handling eyewears.

it's 234 in less than an hour time. Ian's birthday =D and tuition =( i hate Physics tuition even more now. idonotliketheplace iwanttoquittttt.

i don't think i can stay till midnight. i'm all worn out after one whole day of shopping. and i have goffrikkin Chemistry assignment to finish. ive done part of it last week but i can never finish it.

i think i know what i want to be when i grow up-- a pilot. oh but my vision sucks. nevermind, sigh.

my boyfriend wants me to get another exact same laptop for me if i give him mine. what difference does it make then? nothing. interesting.

i am sorry ian if i dont message you at midnight. the magnetic attraction on my bed is just too strong to repel.

i am sorry readers for any grammatical errors. i do not bother going through any mistakes at this moment.

p/s: the boyfriend is my daddy.

♥

more pictures are on my Multiply. http://farahdh.multiply.com

watched the sunshine boys last night with the girls. it was a good laugh but i was really sleepy i couldn't laugh that much. t'was all good though they could've placed better chairs than the ones we sat on last night. rifa'ie did a great job despite the last-minute arrangements. i wouldn't mind being involved.hmm =) that's about it for now. further details on next post. shower time.

♥ Friday, April 20, 2007

I AM DEEPLY OBSESSED. SNOW PATROL. RUN. LOVE. GAH. HEART. GOOD MUSIC.

it is a must-listen-NOW-song. here's the lyrics for RUN. the song that puts me to cloud nine.
i cannot stand this. too much love. too deep. EARGASM! =O i am having an eargasm. oh god.

I'll sing it one last time for you 
Then we really have to go 
You've been the only thing that's right 
In all I've done 

And I can barely look at you 
But every single time I do 
I know we'll make it any where 
Away from here 

Light up, light up 
As if you have a choice 
Even if you can not hear my voice 
I'll be right beside you dear 

Louder, Louder 
And we'll run for our lives 
I can hardly speak I understand 
Why you can't raise your voice to say 

To think i might not see those eyes 
Makes it so hard not to cry 
And as we say our long goodbyes 
I nearly do 

Light up, light up 
As if you have a choice 
Even if you can not hear my voice 
I'll be right beside you dear 

Louder, Louder 
And we'll run for our lives 
I can hardly speak I understand 
Why you can't raise your voice to say 

Slower, slower 
We don't have time for that 
All I want's to find an easier way 
To get out of our little heads 

Have heart, my dear 
We're bound to be afraid 
Even if its just for a few days 
Making up for all this mess 

Light up, light up 
As if you have a choice 
Even if you can not hear my voice 
I'll be right beside you dear


<33333333333333333333
 okay i better stop. too much.

♥ Thursday, April 19, 2007

My previous posts: Journal, I am a five-year-old and i had a bad dream, I am a grown-up now. Those are all written out of boredom. However, it does mean a lot. Most of which are personal. Very personal. The Journal is my English assignment that i had to do for school and i decided to paste it for you all to read. It is my favourite and if you know me well enough, you'd know that i included most of my favourite things/people in it. Read between the lines sort of thing. The other two is quite direct so yeah...

I have been inspired a lot lately. I have been thinking a lot. Too much perhaps. *sigh*
Snow Patrol adds to the inspirational-whatever list. It is so crazy, never have i ever felt so super engaged to other music other bands make. Snow Patrol is my love. I can't explain. Every single song, every single word, every single sound. it sucks that i can't explain how i feel.

I think i would cry if i watch Snow Patrol play live. I think i would cry every second of their performance. I think i would be a cry baby. I think i would cry until i wet my pants. I think i would cry till my eyes get so sore it couldn't open anymore. GAHHH.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough.

Get up get out get away from these liars
Cause they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand knot your fingers trough mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time
Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
Cause I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you'll open your eyes

You could be happy I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Train this chaos turn it into light
I've got to see you one last night
Before the lions take their share
Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

Why would I sabotage
The best thing that I have
Well it makes it easier to know
Exactly what I want

With my hands open
And my eyes open
I just keep hopin'
That your heart opens

It's not as easy as willing it all to be right
Got to be more than hoping it's right
I want to hear you laugh like you really mean it
Collapse into me tired with joy Put Sufjan Stevens on
And we'll play your favorite song
Chicago bursts to life
And your sweet smile remembers you.

so okay, i guess i am being a little obsessed with Snow Patrol but it just inspires me a lot bah. a lot lot lot lot.

i wish the music never ended. i wish it never ended. :(

i am no longer on Hiatus. i cannot stand not blogging. no, i haven't found Little Miss Sunshine yet. instead, i found Little Miss Misery. she will do for the time being. i am still in search of Little Miss Sunshine. somebody save her :')

♥

I want to write something, something significant, something meaningful, something powerful, something extraordinary and not cliché, something that will open your eyes, something that will open your mind, something beautiful, something deep yet interesting, something BIG, something that you will remember forever but I am not smart enough, I cannot do so. I am sorry.

If I was vocabulary-rich, I would write tens to thousands of writings a day. I would write every nano second, every little movement, every detail, and every emotion. I would pen-down everything.

It makes me depressed that I cannot express what my mind speaks. I want the whole world to know what I am thinking about, I want you to know that I love you, and I want you to know that you’re beautiful and I want you to know that you’re not worthless and I want you to know that you’re everything enough. I want to make people feel better by the words I say. The world is beautiful, simply beautiful. I am sorry I cannot describe the world’s beauty. It is either too beautiful to be described or I simply do not have the brains to do so.

Next, I apologize for being selfish. I apologize for being inconsiderate. I apologize for wanting the best all for me. I truly apologize. It is not my will to be greedy but it is my nature to want the best in everything. No, I am not talking about wanting the best burger in the state nor am I talking about wanting to be the best in class. I am talking about attention. I want attention. I need attention. I need attention from my parents, my family, my cousins and my friends. I speak not only for myself but also for everyone. Everyone needs attention. Everyone deserves attention. If you think YOU deserve the attention, then look- the person who’s on your left and your right and behind and in front. They all need the same attention. Give attention, avoid discrimination. I believe that if everyone has the attention, there won’t be discrimination. Everyone needs to stand under the limelight. Everyone.

Next, I cry for the souls unheard. I cry for the little kids in poverty. I cry for the women in forced prostitution. I cry for the ones who have lost their beloved ones. I cry for those who are imprisoned for no particular reason. I cry for those who are labeled. I cry for the dying earth and I cry for those in despair. Sometimes all they need is ears that truly listen and arms that truly hold. Be giving. If you can’t give money then give your time. Give your time to listen to them and support them in all means possible.

Those are my prayers. I pray for equality. I pray for peace. I hope my prayers will be answered.

♥ Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Hullo. I tell you something but you hush; don’t tell anyone. Last night I dreamt that god was mad. God was mad at us, the world. The world was a chaotic hell. People were fighting everywhere, people were dying everywhere. I tried to scream and stop the catastrophe but no one listened, no one cared. Everyone was fighting for their rights. At last, I kept quiet. No good shouting for I will lose my voice, I thought.

I rushed to the hills in the forests where I usually lay down and watch the skies cuddle together in a circle around the moon but there were no forests anymore. It was a burial ground, mass of bodies and bloody odour. I ran to the playground, where I usually play with my sisters and brothers but there was no playground. It was on fire, it was like hell. People were burnt to death along with my favourite swing. I then ran to the beach where I usually watch the sunrise with its beaming smile but there was no beach. It was a desert; everything was swept away by the raging waves.

Where do I run for help? I had nowhere else to go. It was scorching hot under the red sun, my skin was peeling I could see my very own flesh burning. I started to shut down and everything turned black. Then I woke up, relieved yet scared. This could be a message, this is. This is a call for the world; the world has to wake up. The world must make nice or else god will be mad.


so that was something i did out of boredom. i just wanted to know how it feels like to be a five year old girl who understands what problems the world is facing today. maybe five year olds understand better than adults. they care better. they probably love their lives(sp?) more than adults do.

p/s: i am still on hiatus.

♥ Tuesday, April 17, 2007

it's amazing how someone's presence could change my life so much that i don't even realise it until that someone's gone. i think that, is a miracle. so i've had a miracle but its all taken away now. i hate goodbyes.abhor.despise. and i even hate badbyes. if such word exists. it does to me.

make this go on forever. open your eyes. chasing cars. snow patrol makes me cry. it is my soul. at this very moment, those three songs are on my mind. all at once. beautiful.

tell me that you'll open your eyes.

my head is spinning so fast i couldn't even catch up with my own pace.

i don't believe in predicting what's to come. it's just like predicting at what age you would die and worrying every second of your life as to when the time will come. why not just live life the way it is and go with the flow? and what's most important, make the best of the remaining days you're alive. LIVE. live in the moment. live life and dont worry about whats to come. worrying about the future is what makes people very pessimistic. if you think its going to fail without even trying, well of course its going to friggin fail. where's the attempt and effort and correction?ahh, the world and humans.

i think god can explain-splender.

Little Miss Sunshine is lost, i need to find her. Until then, i'll be on HIATUS.

I .need.time.

♥

i needed to do something out of the ordinary. something BIG. something just to freshen up my tired mind... and something to erase some things off my mind. but there wasn't any 'something' that i could do in order to have all that.

i went to Coffeezone to get HotChoc but they had none, how's that possible?fuck.
i then went to Chymes to workout. it's been ages. they had only one treadmill. fuck.
nonetheless, i did fifteen minutes of everything. Chymes is getting buruker. i need a new gym or else i'd be jogging at the field or stadium or something. blergh.

i need to fill up my time to keep me busy. i don't want to have a social life. i want to be a social reject. that'd be cool. okay, so maybe a couple of outings once in a while at a cafe or something is alright. but just, no life. i don't know.

i don't understand how things can change all of a sudden. like one second you're Little Miss Sunshine and the next you're the sad little girl all alone on the swing waiting for the sun to rise.

realize how when people ask "are you okay?" we tend to answer "i'm okay" even if deep down, we're all fucked up and we're NOT okay? now i would like to say that i am not okay. i'm smiling but i'm not okay. simply not okay. it's better than lying. everytime i say "i'm okay" it makes me feel like i'm lying and i don't like to lie and i won't anymore. The Pills from The Perishers explains it all.

be here.please.


it's at times like these, when i need my lifesavers the most. and that lifesaver.

stand out of the crowd. stand up for me. stay.

♥

i feel so disconnected. i am TIRED.sleep doesn't make me feel any better. my head is a punching bag. at least it feels like one. it gets punched all the time. and soon, after another few mad punches, it'll wear out, torn. i have never felt this way before. i'm too weak for anything. too weak to even cry. i want to cry but i can't, wouldn't, couldn't.

my brain and my body doesn't co-operate anymore. my brain's asleep when my body's awake and vice versa. i seriously want to cry. oh just please fucking let me cry. WEIRD. i can't cry.

the world is too busy.

...and i am left out. i don't know how to get back.

i might just call sick tomorrow.i'm too tired for school.too tired for anything.just,too tired.

it would be nice if i could lie down on the highway at night and watch the stars. i could rest with the highway; the highway must be tired too. it's always busy. wouldn't it be nice.

♥ Sunday, April 15, 2007

1^st September 2003

It is gloomy outside; the sun is hiding behind the melancholy clouds. All the more reasons to be still in anguish. Maria came knocking in with hot chocolate and pastrami sandwich, all set perfectly on the golden-plated tray he brought home from Arab, like every other mornings. Afraid that I would distort the perfectly arranged breakfast, I did not lay my hands on it. Maria stood silently; I could tell she did not dare to ask, furthermore, I was too weak to explain.

3^rd September 2003

I have called myself to get out of the circle, the circle of depression. I brought Andrea with me to the park. It has been days, perhaps weeks, since the last time I strolled Andrea at the park. Things are a whole lot different now that he is absent. I am going to be the only one who is going to Andrea play on the swing and build sandcastles on the sandbox. I think I am okay, I will manage.

5^th September 2003

Maria woke me up from my shallow sleep with a mug of hot chocolate, this time, without a perfectly laid-out breakfast tray. I guess she figured. I took a sip of the drink but it had no taste. I could not taste anything, for one second I thought that my taste buds have failed to function. It must be the magnet of the circle, the circle of depression. It is pulling me back into the circle. I told Maria not to make me hot chocolate ever again. This time I explained, I told her it reminds me of Sir.

9^th September 2003

Mother came to the mansion today. She says the place is too big for just two family members and a bunch of servants to live in. She decides to stay for a bit, until all is well. I keep on telling her that all is fine but instead, she goes on her endless ramble on how people are prone to do irrational silly acts like suicide after a loss of a beloved one. It is amazing how she could come up with inane gags at times like these. Even with her attendance, this place feels empty. There is no place that ever feels empty with mother around, only here.

11^th September 2003

I am back to work, it is about time, and at least I thought it was. Everyone was being a wet blanket at the office. They sent me condolences in every way possible; e-mails, memos, text messages, flowers, cards, cakes and coffee and even hugs and kisses. Everything made me even more depressed than I ever did before. I am never going to send my condolences to those in grief anymore, I pity them. On the bright side, they gave me a new office with a window which seemed like a widescreen plasma TV, only better. I now have the perfect view of the world outside. Afraid that work would stress me out, my boss gave me a day to relax and so I spent my eight to five sitting by the window, seeping the sun’s radiance into my very own skin and watching the busy world go round as I settle. I smiled. I had a tint of joy for a second, one that I never felt in days, in weeks actually.

14^th September 2003

My sisters; Isabel, Hazel and Santianna, are here for a weekend visit all the way from Brunei. Tears of joy wiggled down my sorrowed eyes as I was surprised to see them at my front door this morning. I missed them a lot and as we grow older we get too busy to do our “sister” thing anymore. So as to revive the good old times we used to have and to catch up with their progressions, I treat them to Spa along with my mother. Spa is the best option as I am wary that my three sisters are always too caught up with their careers they do not have time to pamper themselves. Mother needs to relax a little; she has been too vexed about my condition. I need time to nourish my body and alleviate my severely despaired soul.

16^th September 2003

My sisters headed back to their homes today. It has been an enjoyable weekend; it has made me put my mind off matters for a while, only for a while. Andrea’s birthday is in three days time and she deserves her very own happy moment.

19^th September 2003

It is my little girl’s birthday today. The mansion was decorated with her favorite colors, pink and purple on every wall and every corner of the house. Invitation was to her father’s family, my own and a few neighbors and their kids. She looked happy, I hope she is. Andrea reminds me of her father. She inherits all the good qualities of her father. She is my Little Miss Sunshine. For her birthday present, I had some workers over to make her a tree house with a little swing right next to it. Although she is still too young to play with it, I would like her to grow up loving tree houses and swings just like I do.

20^th September 2003

I am in a hysterical despair. Emotional distress is corroding every inch of me like a pandemic to my body. It is at times like these when I miss him the most and I used to have him to consult to and my very own consultant is no longer around. Mother has noticed my misery, I cannot hide anymore. We had hours of deep discussions and she convinced me on a psychiatrist. I told her I cannot bear having a psychiatrist as my very own psychiatrist, my husband, has disappeared. She does not understand. The world does not understand. The world could not understand.

22^nd September 2003

I am pregnant-positive. Part of me is enlightened while part of me is just numb. I am carrying his child, probably the best gift he has left me. However the thought of the child growing up without its father’s touch puts me in a state of sadness, much worse than I already am.

30^th September 2003

It’s about time I face the real world. My husband passed away, he is gone forever. Every song ends but there is no reason why we should not enjoy the music. That goes the same with life.

♥

I HATE THIS. I AM SKILL-LESS. I HAVE LOST MY COOKING AND RIBBONING SKILLS. SHIT. AND I AM FRIGGIN PMS-ING.

i made pancakes just now, or at least i attempted in making them. it turned out like god knows what. it's like this yellow lifeless plasticky flawed imperfect ugly something. this sucks.

and i used to be really good at making ribbons (like the one on Santi's pencil case which i fixed perfectly for her) and then there was this time when she ruined it and then i wanted to fix it back but then i couldn't because I HAVE LOST MY RIBBON-ING SKILL. stoops. and yesterday i wanted to wear a belt, and make a ribbon at the front just like i used to but then because I HAVE LOST MY RIBBON-ING SKILL, it turned out to be a leaf, so yeah...no belt.

and my mom doesn't seem to be able to differentiate between FLIPFLOPS AND HOUSE SLIPPERS. I BOUGHT THIS FRIGGIN DAMN WHITE LAWA FLIPFLOPS AND SHE FRIGGIN USED IT FOR GARDENING AND HOUSE AND IT'S GRAY NOW, ALMOST BLACK PERHAPS. shit. i saw her wearing my flipflops for gardening again just now and i stole it and hid it behind my shoe cabinet. i hope she won't find it there. i need to lecture her on how expensive it is to buy flip flops.

AHHHHHH fuck. and i have this english assignment. it's an essay 'THE WORLD AROUND ME'. i think i know what to write. im gonna write about how the world around me is so fucked up and i, eventually, will be fucked up too.

no, i'm just gonna write something similar to that plot, only not about the fucked up world because everything around me is perfectly...okay.

tomorrow i will try to revive my cooking and ribboning skills. god please don't make me skill-less, as much as i already i am. ^$^%##$@#&.

♥ Saturday, April 14, 2007

it is 10am and Eezah and Qils are supposed to come around this time. and i haven't showered yet. haha. ahh well, let em wait. yes, we ditched sports selection for this. i think we're going to CZ for breakfast and then to the mall. speaking of malls, i still haven't been to the Qlap mall yet.

my whole body is aching and my right eye looks like someone just punched right into my eyeballs, it is swollen. macam kena bee-sting. GREAT.

i better stop and shower. =D

♥ Thursday, April 12, 2007

BEAUTIFUL.

this song, i used to listen to it all the time. yes, all the time.

It's my all-time favourite :)

She makes me believe that the world's so much brighter than what it is and her music is what every woman should listen to especially when you're pms-ing ;)

she makes people who think that they're not-everything-enough feel better.

to a man who loves music
a man who loves art
respect the spirit world and thinks with his heart.

♥ Wednesday, April 11, 2007

♥ Monday, April 9, 2007

i woke up an hour early. it is 5.38 am now as i am typing and i have already showered and changed. the whole house is still asleep and god knows why i woke up this early. i woke up at 4.43 am fyi. i even managed to do my English assignment. and i still have another hour and a half to umm waste?

i'm replacing my maid this morning, she's not here. sooo what would the maid usually do at this time? hmm... sweep the floor 0_o nahh, i'll pass that. ahhh! prepare breakfast :D

it is now 5.43AM. =[

♥ Sunday, April 8, 2007

this cannot be happening. tomorrow's the start of a new week.

i need something to keep me busy. besides assignments, which i rarely, almost never, hand in, nor attempt on doing.

i sent daddy off to Sydney this evening and then had dinner buffet at Airport Restaurant. ohh and i met Sir Redha and Jenny :) and im frikking full, like really really extremely full. oh fuck, so much for keeping the flat tummy.

the new laptop arrived today, no actually it arrived yesterday but i collected today. IT SUCKS AND IT IS THE UGLIEST LAPTOP I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. not ugliest but buruk-est. pictures nantitah, it's like too ugly for me to snap a shot.

i might be getting the new HP laptop the one with the fingerprint security thingy and the touchscreen. awesome but i might hold on to this for a couple of weeks until i get really sick of it. i sort of like this one's keypad though because it doesn't make a lot of click click click noise.

i have a strong desire to shop. i might drop by the Guess store tomorrow to check on the purses. i need a purse, i don't really need a purse, i just need to spend money on something. i could otherwise spend on a watch since i haven't bought any this year. but then a Guess watch would be very... not different. there's this Titus watch i saw in KL, it's pretty..mother of pearls/mother pearls whatever. oh and i'm chatting with Khal atm and i sort of have a feeling that my Fossil watch is lost. i ordered a new strap for my watch a few months back and left the receipt with Khallie and apparently the counter girls don't know anything about it. shoooooooooot. but then if they really did lose my watch, that could be a reason as to why i should get a new watch :D i wouldn't mind another Fossil. but but but there was this DKNY black/pink watch i saw at Cleo's mag tadi. sexayyyy.

i've been neglecting my prayers all day today. i'm too hooked up with this piece of shit(the laptop) bad bad. and my nail-biting habit is back. pfft.

double pfft- i miss you.

okay, so this isn't actually a proper post. i think iam sleepy. i think, how's that? i don't know.

i've been thinking alot about my future first car. i don't know what sort of car i'd like to have. i still like the suzuki swift. and i wouldn't mind taking the family's number on my license plate, plus, i don't think 19 or 1991 would look nice.

i am sleepy, this time, i am definite. goodnight!

♥ Wednesday, April 4, 2007

♥ Monday, April 2, 2007

♥ Sunday, April 1, 2007

that's something i did out of boredom.impromptu berabis.

♥

♥ Saturday, March 31, 2007

i can't sleep. i need Perisher's trouble sleeping. my rumah nada air. stupid. i need to friggin jalan esuk. i need to shower.

i need new nikes. mine's old, obviously. i can't wait for my friggin laptop, although it sucks.

i am not keeping track with my studies and homework. holidays. sigh.

i haven't bought ziqa a gift yet. not even a card. i suck at buying presents.

i don't know why i'm telling you readers this. it's been on my dari tadi so yeah, i just had to get it out. i hope i can sleep now. although my brain's telling me that i'm missing out something in this post. ahhh grrrrrrrrr.

good morning.

ohhh and i think i know what my brain's been hiding dari tadi. i want to watch 'Sunshine'. macam siuk.

back to bed. mwahhh.

my cat needs to go to the vet. he has really bad allergy or wound. pokoknya, he's partly bald now. entah eh silly cat, fikirnya hot kali ia banyak cuts atu.

do you think night cream and uhh whatever eyebag/darkcircle cream works?

i need new contact lenses. this one's blinding me. i need new wardrobes. and shoe boxes. and tudongs too.

♥ Friday, March 30, 2007

♥ Wednesday, March 28, 2007

♥ Tuesday, March 27, 2007

♥

♥

they never part :)

so i was bored and so i took random pictures of things in my house. jobless much. SANTI DON'T YOU MISS YOUR SCHOOL BAG?

my 10RM house slippers =p

heart bed head.

finding nemo! i wanna watch disney on ice. anyone?

bah out to lunch.later! xoxo

♥

♥ Monday, March 26, 2007

those three pictures were taken at coffee zone. we wanted to take a picture of all three of us but it was weird to use the self timer plus there were guys staring behind us, probably thought we were weirdos. wait, aren't we? it's so crazyyy, jalan on a Monday night. it was last minute planning, all because i wanted to go out and get things off my mind =) Thanks lifesavers <3 nyummeh ="p" school =")" training =")" align="center">
and here are some pictures of what i did during BM lesson this morning.


i think it's cute =)

Papa pen and baby pen. i bought the mini one just because it's cute. it costs 2.50 and it doesn't even work!

the pen family

Eezah's and mine. she didn't want to give me hers so i bought my own ;) twins.

My cacat drawing. lalala~

some of you might know that i have a habit of scribbling or simply pen down things people talk about while i'm listening to them. Ziqa was talking about mainstream =p

and this is when Eezah talked about how James Blunt is supposed to be named James Sharp instead of blunt because he's pretty sharp, and uh, not blunt. =s

we didn't take any pictures masa rah sugar and spice =(

aaanyway, thanks again lifesavers <3>

I just finished downloading Entourage. I guess i'll watch that now. till then, xoxo.

Listening to: Ships-The Umbrellas.

Just like ships, we float through each other's lives,Through the waters of beauty and grace.We will one day dock at the same port,And give rest to our weary legs.There is a light, placed up in the sky.Like the stained glass, time slows down.I wish I could sleep - I wish I could dream.

♥

super-sized. daddy's <3

Splender rocks. listen close to the lyrics. i'm sure there's an explanation to every action.

Ohhh, i think i'll go gym. or sleep. or shop. or whatever. whatever.

sorry this isn't a proper post. i just.. i don't know. i don't know what i want. i'm un/indecisive.

not much love, far =)

♥ Sunday, March 25, 2007

♥ Friday, March 23, 2007

everything changes. one second you're the happy little girl who's smiling because her mum bought her candies. and the next? you're the punk-rocker with thick black eyeliner and bright red highlights and black lipgloss who's frowning all the time simply because she's emotionally disturbed.

i am crushed. no, not yet but i have that i-am-going-to-be-crushed feeling. everything is crumbling. blergh.

The Sleepover- with Santi Qilah and Eezah. it was amazing despite the lack of food-POPCORN AND CEREALS. i had totally forgotten to get popcorn.silly me and i bought extra milk for the cereals but silly me didn't get cereals either! i'm craving for the crunchy nuts cereal. or was it honey bunch. or whatever. Ziqah and I used to bring the*inserts brand* cereal to school almost everyday. nyamann~ Fitnesse tastes just as good but i'm left with little so yes, i better remind myself to get those.

The best DVD would probably be Playboy-The Girls Next Door. It's just undescribable and i'm adding Hugh Hefner into my DM* list. wink wink.

Whoops, i need to get some things done first.- to be continued-

p/s: if you're wondering what's DM. it's Dirty Mistress. don't ask. inside joke.

♥

hello =)